Within My Sphere

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I was a Green Beret,” he stated.

“Did you go to my country?” Her voice is soft. Her face tilts toward his.

I open my eyes to see his expression. From my previous three minutes of eavesdropping, I already know some background. It’s his first pedicure. His wife of fifty-six years finally convinced him a professional pedi is a good idea. He served in the military as a young man and is a Veteran proud of his accomplishments.

Assuming the wisp of a woman crouched at his feet is Vietnamese, I wonder what he will say.

“No, my assignment was closer to home.” His voice is steady…quiet.

I search the faces of the other eavesdroppers. We exhale silent relief and return to the safety of our cell phone screens, eyes afraid to acknowledge our shared reality — fifty years and three million Vietnamese deaths later, history’s hangover still haunts our local nail salon.

This is America. Land of the free. Home of the immigrant. Everyone has a story. Sometimes our stories share the same space or intersect in unusual ways. For example, I teach in a school where there are two children whose families recently arrived in the United States because their countries are at war…with each other. Their mothers stand in line at the Scholastic Book Fair and speak English with the same strong Eastern European accent. The kids are both blonde, fair and blue-eyed. I don’t know for certain, but I could guess that the girls’ babushkas are colder than usual this winter. And sadder. This war will celebrate its second birthday in February. The candles won’t be on cake, but on mantles in memory of loved ones who won’t be coming home. Ever.

Yesterday, as I scrolled through social media on my lunch break, I wept with a brown-eyed boy in the Middle East as he described to someone he trusted, the horror of trying to play ball with his nephew in the war zone that is their neighborhood. A bomb suddenly exploded the entire area, leaving his playmates dead or limbless. “We can’t live here! He wailed into the camera. “This is not a life!”

I understand, sweet boy. You are so right. This is definitely NOT the life we long for. Not the life we were created for. And not the life we pray for. This is not how it was meant to be, nor how it will always be. I know you can’t see me or believe me—sitting here, half a world away with my pedicured toes and my full belly. But I feel it, too. The sense of injustice, the rage and outrage that makes me want to scream at Aljezeera and throw my slippers at Fox. I can’t stand it. Hate knowing about all these horrific things that Just. Don’t. Stop.

I used to be SO invested in doing something to make a difference, no matter how small. I posted on social media. I raised funds. My Honey and I sponsored refugees through the Uniting For Ukraine program and made our home a safe haven, even when we ran out of beds and had to use the sofa for the seventh body under our roof. I stayed up many nights, reading about horrific things and posting pleas for help. People rallied, contributed, donated and supported my nonprofit, Relevant Life Solutions. We sent funds for food, medicine, uniforms and funerals. We prayed and pleaded with God for relief for all the suffering we heard about. We felt overwhelmed at times. We ARE overwhelmed at times. One faraway war is eclipsed by another, but the results of Russia vs. Ukraine live in our house.

I sit with them in the social services office while strangers argue about whether or not refugees should even be here, let alone receiving benefits of any kind. No one realizes where they are from as they stare silently at the floor. I cry with them at the end of long workdays where customers or coworkers mock their “strong accents” and treat them with disdain. I listen to one-sided conversations with loved ones left behind as they share the fear of living in villages where neighbors’ windows are blown out because of drone attacks or nightly air raid sirens and growling stomachs prevent anyone from getting a decent rest.

My sense of justice and my compassionate heart keep me from giving up completely, but I’ll admit I’ve gotten discouraged. I stopped watching and reading the news for a while. I stopped posting about needs I know about. I stopped doing anything to promote the work we are doing. I even stopped asking God to stop that war. He’s got a lot going on in the world right now. I’m sure He will get to it when He gets to it. I’m sure He’s there, loving the people on both sides. Answering the prayers of those who abide under the shelter of the Most High. Working all things together for the good of those who love Him. He doesn’t need me to whine, wheedle or beg Him to do anything different.

What He does need me to do is to love those within my sphere and under my care. He needs me to drive a little girl to school each morning and care for her while her mother is working. He needs me to share what I have and offer my help in practical ways. He needs me to send that $100 per month to the single mom who escaped to Romania with her two children, but just can’t make ends meet as she seeks to start a life there. He needs me to advocate for that little school where the poorest of kids can learn about Jesus and receive a quality education. He needs me to write the things that live heavy in my heart, but just can’t seem to find their way out as words and sentences and paragraphs and chapters and books that will help people find hope and know they are not alone in their situation. He needs me. And He needs you, too. How will we love people today? How will we live out compassion? How will we make a difference on a planet ready to implode?

Original Artwork by Sherrie Eichelberger

Jesus probably says it best in Matthew 25:40, something like “If you have done it for one of the least of these, you have done it for me.” I think that’s it. That’s enough. If that young woman in the nail salon, who may or may not know my Jesus, can humbly wash the feet of a Veteran who served in the armed forces that nearly decimated her country and the lives of her ancestors in a pointless war, surely I can serve somebody, too. I can buy some groceries, fill a gas tank, give a ride or pay a bill. I can be a shoulder to cry on and a fund raiser for those without a voice. I can do all these things and more through Christ, who gives me strength. Yes Lord. Yes I can. And so can you, dear Reader. Together we can make a difference. Let’s do this! 2024 is waiting.

www.relevantlifesolutions.org

He Knows Them By Heart

I fell off the wagon today. I worked for nine hours at school. It’s Sunday.classroom

Yes, work is often my drug of choice. Some numb with food. Some with drugs, or media. I numb with work. As a teacher, it’s easy to do. The job is never quite finished. I could have stayed longer this evening, but I noticed darkness creeping onto the campus, sending shadows down the long, silent hallway as I hung my sixteen second graders’ writing samples in preparation for Open House on Tuesday.

I didn’t want to come home. It’s too quiet here. I can hear the clock ticking in the other room. I can see the boys’ shoes lined up underneath the sideboard near the front door. Even though they are naughty for leaving them there, I smile. They must have unloaded those when I wasn’t looking and replaced that space in their suitcases with Nerf guns or remote control cars.

Squatting to reach under the antique cabinet, I gather four pairs of well-worn, outdated shoes. Shoes my Summer Boys brought with them from their Ukrainian orphanages to America. Shoes that were too small the day they arrived. Shoes they were supposed to take back so other kids could still get some use from them. We had packed those shoes. I didn’t want them to get in trouble for not returning the things they arrived with. It’s too late now.

Taking the shoes into the tiny bedroom that used to be my office, I line them up against the closet door. I’ve barely been in here since they left last weekend. The room is a disaster. And it smells like teenage boys. But, that’s not what keeps me away.clothing on floorWhat keeps me away is the raw emotion I experience when I think of the two boys who shared this space for two months. What keeps me away is the longing to come in here and say, “Goodnight,” when I know their bunks are empty. What keeps me away is the ache I experience when I sit here, in my office chair, (the one they swiveled around and around, loftily demanding payment from Honey or me if we dared cross unbidden into “their” territory), trying to imagine what they are doing tonight. Only it’s not tonight. It’s tomorrow in Ukraine. It’s Monday – a school day.

God, I just want to talk to them. I want to hear their voices, even if I won’t understand their language. I want to look into their eyes and see if they are really okay, regardless of what their mouths say. I know them by heart. If I can just see them, I will know if they are afraid or alone or upset or content with their circumstances.

But, I can’t speak with them. I can’t see them. I can’t really know anything except that they landed safely and that they are back in their orphanages and back in their schools and back in their normal routines. And that they are (according to the chaperone), “okay.”

Are they really okay, Lord? Or are they “okay” like I was “fine” last week? “Okay…” with a nameless gnawing ache that does not go away, no matter what I’m doing. “Okay…” with the drumbeat of everyone’s busy life moving quickly all around me as I feel like blackstrap molasses in winter, s-l-o-w and dark and heavy with the bitter aftertaste that comes once the sweetness is gone. “Okay…” as I numb the ache with work and avoidance and grumpiness with my Honey who doesn’t understand where all this unusual emotion is erupting from. Are they okay, like me?

I don’t want to relapse into workaholism. But it helped to just be in a sterile space today: organizing and arranging and sorting and grading and planning and hanging student work on the walls. It helped to be away from home where the bananas are turning spotty and brown before my very eyes. This would never happen if the boys were here. Away from home where I know I need to wash their sheets and clean their room. unmade bedBut if I wash everything I might forget the scent of their space in our home. That almost-good smell of Axe body spray and antiperspirant barely masking the unmistakable musty sock stench emanating from underneath the bed. If I clean and tidy every evidence of them away, will they disappear from my memory, too?

I have a friend whose children are in foster care. I also have a friend who fosters children… who come and go and come again into her home. And I have a friend who mourns her choice to abort her unborn baby all those years ago. They each understand this ache, this longing to hold the child who holds your heart; this wondering that cannot be answered, either because of their own choices, or those of a system that controls the destinies of children who cannot control their own lives.

Rarely does a child not mourn the loss of their mother when extraordinary circumstances separate families. Frightened young kids don’t beg to be shuffled from temporary home to temporary home until the powers that be can finally decide what permanent living arrangements are in the child’s best interest. And nobody asks to be removed from their mother’s womb prematurely. Yet these tragedies happen multiple times every minute of every single day on planet Earth.

Refugees, homeless, orphans, aborted babies by the billions – What an ache God must have in His heart as He looks at the planet He created. How He must long to bring His children home. Our Father knows each little one by heart. He knows our scent, our secrets, the very number of hairs on our heads. He says He knew our names before we were born (Jeremiah 1:5). He knows our pasts and our futures. He knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11).

He knows these kiddos, too. The ones we long to hold in our arms. The ones we beg to come home. The ones strung out on drugs. The prodigal ones who seem to be running farther and farther from us and from Him. And He knows the names of the ones we wish we could turn back time and resurrect. He knows them all. He loves them all. And He never ever forgets any of them.

When we connect with Him, we connect with them. When we commit them to Him, we can trust that they are in better hands than our own. When we pray over them, we can KNOW that we are heard and that heavenly beings are immediately dispatched to minister to their tender hearts.

Lord God, I’m sorry I worked too much today. I’m sorry I avoided the pain of my reality. I’m sorry I tried to numb the ache with busyness, just like I used to do when my whole life was chaos. Forgive me for turning to my drug of choice instead of turning to You. Help me to deal with my newly empty nest in healthy ways. Help me to trust Your plans for our future. Love on those boys for me today, okay? In Jesus’ name, Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you want to pray a powerful prayer over your loved one(s), just plug his/her name into this Psalm wherever it says “me” or “I.”

1You have searched me, Lord,

and you know me.

2You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

4Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

5You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

7Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

8If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

11If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

12even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

13For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

17How precious to me are your thoughts,a God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139:1-18 (NIV)